Sometimes, The Rules are Meant to Be Broken...

It's funny how I used to lay down all kinds of rules;
- I will never have an affair.
- I will never cheat on my husband.
- I will never sleep with two men at the same time.
- I will never invite a lover into my own home..... and the list continued...

The thing is, I am having an affair and am cheating on my husband behind his back. I am sleeping with two men at the same time - maybe three if I include my husband. And I have invited my lover into my own home, numerous times. All these things were some things I thought I would never do - or swore to myself that I wouldn't do.

I guess you could never say never because I learned that from my own experiences that the rules are sometimes meant to be broken...

Hibernation

I have been out of loop for so long that I don't even know where to start. I hibernated this winter to reflect on myself and to see what I've beome. It's been definitely an interesting few months..

One thing for sure is that Paul and I are still together. We just celebrated our two year anniversary and still counting. I must say I'm a lucky gal to have such a wonderful man in my life. He's been so great to me and it seems more we spend time together the more he opens up. I'm starting to be afraid of the closeness I feel between us because he was never like that: He was more guarded and in control. I just don't want to get close and get hurt again.

What else... Oh yes, there is one more thing I need to tell you about, but I still don't know how to bring it up. I guess I'll have to share the story he next time..

I hope you are well and happy - I've missed you...

xoxo

What's Up With the Ash Mad's Single Folks??

I haven't posted an entry for over two weeks? Gosh, so sorry. I've been simply too busy with the family obligations - you know how that goes...

Anyway, I want to talk about Ashley Madison today; specifically about those single males and females. No, I don't want to discriminate against the single ones, but I honestly thought Ashley Madison is for those who are married and looking to date. Maybe that was when I signed up for it over two years ago? Maybe time has changed???

When Paul and I met on Ashley Madsison, it was clear that we're both married. And we both had the notion that we wouldn't want to date anyone who's single. We both said, we wanted to find someone who's in the same circumstances with the same restriction. But moreover, we wanted to find someone that had the same risk to lose somthing so important in our lives: Family. And I wouldn't want to be with anyone who had nothing to lose becasue if I was looking for a new husband, I would have signed up for Match.com or eHarmony.

It's true, I received countless emails from both married and single guys before I met Paul, but I never responded to the winks and messages from single guys. I hardly believe that the single guys would be risky - I'm sure they have no problem having one of those "No String Attached Sex" and I'm sure they're on AM because they want nothing to do with commitment type of relationship; or they want to sleep with married women and get high off it; or they're in a long term relationship just like married people and want something exciting; or they're just curious.

What I've noticed lately, a lot, when I get a daily email from Ashley Madison informing me about the new members in my area is that more than half of the men who sign up for AM are single male, age - 20 - 30. They are young.

I just don't understand why on earth those young kids who should be able to go out and meet a nice girl would want to sign up for a website like AM? I strongly believe Ashley Madison is for married couple, not for single female and males. Even their website says, "Do you want to have an affair?" - seriously, AM is for people like us, who can't go out and find a new boyfriend or a girlfriend because we're married.

I don't know where I'm going with this post, but am I wrong here? Do I sound like an old lady? But ff you're a single, but cruise around married dating sites, tell me, why? Why are you looking for a married women/men?

My Dalliance

I think everybody is different when it comes to coping with pain and frusration over their relationship with their married partner. I have my own ways to deal with mine.

What I've learned throughout the relationship with Paul over the years is that I have the strength I never thought exsited within myself. The patience, or testing my boudaries, or putting the brave face for my child even when things get rocky with him.

Being a woman, I'm not that good with separating two things; mind and body. And even it's an unwritten law - never to fall in love with a married partner, I couldn't stop falling in love with him - it was inevitable. I knew it would come with a price, but I dove in with a smile on my face. And I'm glad I did...

When I saw him on my birthday morning, all my feelings were validated, that the chance I took with him gave me something that I would have never experienced with anyone else - Rush, lust, love, dream and the friendship that I thought long gone are still with me and with him, in both of our lives. We're giving each other some things to make both of us so, very human again. And as much as it hurts sometimes, he is someone I will cherish with all my heart.

It All Started With Second Kiss

Our first kiss wasn't all that great. With all the emails we had exchanged piror to our first date, we were so anxious and pressured ourselves way too much. So when it happened we're so nervous, it was laughable. I didn't want him to think that I was a lousy kisser and he didn't want me to think he was a bad kisser. So we decided to try again and promised to have a second date..

Two weeks later, we met at a coffee shop and walked to the movie theatre. It's a movie date... We sat on the seats, pulled up the arm rest between us, so we could sit closer.

I felt that he was nervous again. I was so nervous that maybe he could hear my heartbeat. The movie began, but no sign of him initiating the contact. We were sitting in silence and I realized an hour had already passed without both of us touching each other. I was getting frustrated and getting anxious. Finally, I had to lean and whisper in his ear, "So, when are we going to make out? Or are we just going to see this movie and go home?"

Paul finally smiled and position himself towards me. I smiled and postioned myself towards him. "Hi there," I said. I saw his face getting close to me and finally, our lips met for the second time. Oh forget it, he had me at second kiss - his soft lips. It was so amazing. Then we kissed again and again. We couldn't stop kissing each other. Our lips, our tongues, our juices - we were both losing ourselves in the dark theatre like two kids in lust.

He once told me it starts with a kiss... He was right. It was the beginning of our sweet affair...

Secret Dalliances

I have been thinking a lot about this Letterman scandal and how this news has affected me, causing me to think over my relationship. Letterman is my favorite late night talk show host and I fully give him the credit for coming clean and even trying to tell his embarrassing past with wit and humor.

But I know it's been hard for him and his family. The humiliation and the fear of losing everything - it's heartbreaking. Remember, when these dalliances occurred, he wasn't married to his wife - he was in the committed relationship with her. Still, it wouldn't make it okay to cheat, would it?

But, let's not kid ourselves, it's me who's talking - the one who's having a secret dalliance myself. So my thinking is this; what would I do, if someone was to reveal my relationship with Paul (my lover) - Would I be able to act as honorably as Letterman, give my spouse a sincere apology and try to fix the problems at home front or would I run away from everything?

Letterman is a public figure, so he has no choice, but to make everything public. I still think he acted with dignity and I must tell ya', he's funny. I know that being the wife of a celebrity it is hard enough to go through this type of scandal, but if you're not a politician or a celebrity, then this is just another story of infidelity. I think things would be even uglier and more complicated for us ordinary people..

The only thing for sure is when a secret dalliance is revealed; it will either break your marriage or strengthen it. And I hope my case would be the latter - I surely hope so.

My New Journey

I never thought I'd fall in love again. I thought I'd stay madly in love with my husband, but instead, I've fallen in love with someone else... Was it intentional? I don't know. But I know this for sure - I was lonely, extremely lonely. I craved for intimacy - those skin on skin moments. I longed for affection and being adored by her husband. I dreamed of mind blowing sex. But It seems all of these things have disappeared from my life. I was screaming for attention when my husband refused to hear me. I was slowly dying inside.

Then I met my knight in shining armour. And he changed my life. He made me realize I am still a woman, that I'm beautiful and still got it.

The relationship I have with my lover is not all rosey and dreamy things, but I can honestly say that I'm lucky, so damn lucky. And I want to remember everything; the sweet nibbles in the beatufiul afternoon in the hotel room, or warm embrace in the shower, or passionate kisses in the car, or laughter in bed under the white sheets. I don't want to forget it. That's why I decided to start my blog. This blog is my memoirs of infidelity; past, present and future - and the place where I can be me....